Ankita Sharma

Document name

Seeking the Spirit Within

Original sentence

Although life has taken another sense over the years without the presence of the soulmates today who had connected with me, I felt a new found freedom, a freedom unparalleled when it came to loving yourself and not seeking love from the wrong sources.
[44 words]

Rewritten sentence

Although my life over the years has lacked the presence of my soulmates, I have felt a new-found freedom through learning to love myself and not seeking it from an external source.
[32 words]

Judges’ comments

The rewrite here is so much better than the original. The original was wordy, convoluted, veered away from the first person, and in one case used the wrong tense. The rewrite flows nicely and is clear. However, our judges feel the rewrite would be better still if ideas were broken up into separate sentences and written in the active voice.

Media statement

This is my original piece of work taken from my first ever published book: Seeking the Spirit Within.

The sentence was revised and shortened to make it more readable. I immensely thank the Plain English Awards for creating an opportunity for English enthusiasts as well as for including my name as a Finalist in 2018.

Ankita Sharma